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| Well then. It's been quite a while since I've felt the need to update in here. But I just thought I'd share with everyone my absolute dying need to dance. I have been having a terribly rough time recently and haven't really though I could update anywhere else than I already had.
I mean, when you think about it, I have a livejournal, a xanga site, and a myspace. What more do I need? Oh yeah, one more xanga site where I can just throw all my ideas out there at once. Where no one reads anymore, so I can just make this completely incoherent bullshit.
Peter's being deliberately nice anymore, and it's becoming frustrating. But you know, why should I care at this point? He gave me up and I gave him up. And you know, sometimes I think Robbie might be better for me anyway. But I'm not sure. To be honest I don't think either of them really loves me. And I"m 20 years old. Peter's is my age, and Robbie is 22. Who knows what love is at our age?
I guess I sure as hell don't. When I think of more to write about, I'll be back on here. | | |
| Eeyorelr2: hey
CyanideSally: hey
Eeyorelr2: ever see jordan
CyanideSally: Yeah, I caught him on Saturday.
Eeyorelr2: are u still together
what did he say?
CyanideSally: It was pretty messy. But we're still together. I was wearing a bra to Rocky, because my friend had borrowed my shirt before the show. And he walked up and he goes, "What the fuck are you wearing" and I was like, "A bra." and he goes, "Put some goddamned clothes on, Jesus Christ." and I just walked away.
Eeyorelr2: damn
CyanideSally: And then later he came up to me and was like, "Did you put your clothes back on" and I pulled at my shirt which I had put on by that time, and he was like, "Well good. Jesus, what were you thinking." and I was like, "Apparently nothing, oh mighty one." and he just walked away shaking his head.
CyanideSally: And all my friends told me I should've smacked him, but instead, I just cried for like a fucking hour. And then I called him and apologized for being a bitch and told him I'd tell him what was on my mind on Weds. Note, he didn't apologize to me... but whatever.
Eeyorelr2: you apoligized
Eeyorelr2: no no
Eeyorelr2: he should have
Eeyorelr2: u didnt do anything wrong
CyanideSally: Well, I haven't been the nicest about anything recently...
Eeyorelr2: people wears just underwear to rocky and u dont need his permission to do so
CyanideSally: I don't know. I remember why I'm mad at him. I don't know why he's mad at me. The drunk call, reminding me of how much he loves the cock, and then the bra thing... Those are the only two that come directly to mind.
Eeyorelr2: wow
CyanideSally: But I don't know what I did to make him mad. I guess I'll ask Weds.
Eeyorelr2: ok
CyanideSally: He confuses me. But he seemed okay on the phone Saturday night. I walked Amy to her car, and told him to call me when he got home, and he gave me a short "Ok" before ducking into the car. So when he got home, he called, and was like, "I'm home" and then I apologized, and right after that, he seemed like nothing had happened. He was like, "I'm so excited you're coming over Wednesday... I can't wait, we'll watch a movie and snuggle."
CyanideSally: Are you going to be there on Weds? I sure could use your judgement. You're really the only one I talk to about it... since I don't want to bring my drama to a cast I'm not even part of yet. | | |
| I remember in the beginning I would get picked up for school everyday. I would sit in the care with It and the friend in silence. I remember being happy. But I can't for the life of me remember why. I've tried for a long time to remember, but recently I've given up and have become content in knowing that it happened, and it didn't last for long.
I remember being dropped off in the morning and thinking only of him. Being so completely caught up in the very idea of him first thing in the morning that all the words of inspiration that my dad gave were ignored. Walking down the hall and knowing that he would walk down and see me and light up. We would sprawl on the floor, my legs on top of his and my head burried in his neck. The bell would ring and I would glare at it and curse it in my mind for disturbing our perfection.
I've realized that next year, I won't have that to wake up to in the morning. The closest I can come to it is coming to his lunch period sometimes or taking him to Tae Kwon Do on my way to class.
I miss that butterfly that had taken up residence permanently in my stomach. It flutters through at the times right before I see him, but it leaves rather quickly. I predict it will have left all together by next year. I hope it won't but the harder I try to keep it around, the more it protests and fades. It's sad.
Maybe it will be replaced by a better feeling. Or maybe it already has. A less flashy feeling, but a feeling of comfort and complete trust. It's nice, but less showy and exciting, so I may have ignored it before.
I want to do something really special for him. I want the world to know that I love him! | | |
| I feel lost and generally insignificant. Things have gotten awkward in my opinion. I’m not sure what’s different. He feels jealous and possessive around other guys. I feel jealous around his friends.
It’s not that the girls flirt with him – they all do, and it doesn’t bother me anymore. But it’s the fact that he’s spending time with them. Time he used to spend with me. I know I asked for it when I said on here that I wanted him to spend more time with his friends.
I feel really selfish and stupid. On one level I know he loves me. I remember the way I felt when he first told me that night in his basement. Sometimes when he says it now I feel the way I did then. But at other times I question whether he really loves me, or if he’s just comfortable with me.
I know when he reads this he’ll tell me he loves me. And I know if he says it with conviction, to my face and looking in my eyes, I will feel like I did that day in his basement.
Maybe it’s that we say it too much. I know I do. I feel like we’re joining the world in its flippant use of the words. We say it online and on the phone. And sometimes in person.
I know that I could live without reading it online every time I leave. And on the phone, I don’t need it all the time. Sometimes when I’m having a bad time it’s nice to hear that he loves me, and a lot of times we can’t be face to face for it. I just generally feel like I’ve been using it every time I get that little flutter in my heart.
I don’t really know if he feels the same way. But I do think he feels obligated to say it back when I say it first. I know I do sometimes. It’s just that I don’t want him to think that I’ve stopped loving him.
I most certainly have not.
On another note, I’ve decided not to let mean people and people I don’t like get in the way of me doing what I want to. For instance, the other day he, Bobal, Carey, Rob, Annie and I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean (again). He had told me that Annie was coming, so that I could back out of the plans if I wanted to. But I wasn’t going to let her take my time with him away.
You know, I’m really not sure why she’s so desperate for me to like her. I can understand not liking it when people don’t like you. But she wants to be friends. It’s awkward. I did my best to just ignore her at the movie. But I started getting the feeling that everyone thought I was being a bitch for not socializing with her. So I did, as minimally as possible.
It’s not that she was awful to him. I’m over that. It was never my problem – none of my business. I don’t like her because her personality sucks. She’s clingy and happy-seeming constantly. But then she’s sad and she’s bubbly and not very smart. I just don’t like seeing her.
I don’t hate her anymore. I actually feel kind of sad for her. Her ex-boyfriend is dating me. And the guy who liked her is now going out with Carey instead. She just broke up with her boyfriend of nine months, and stopped her making out thing with Brad.
She really has no one left in that department. And from what I’ve seen from her, she constantly needs the attention of males. So I do feel slightly sorry for her. But maybe this will be good for her? Who knows? Maybe she’ll learn to gain confidence in herself.
| | |
| I've had some massive insecurities recently. I don't really know why, because this time even Annie isn't a reason. He says he loves me all the time, and every time my heart does that little thing where it speeds up so fast that I think it's stopped - just like the first time. But I constantly tell him I love him now, just because I need to hear it back. That's not the case all the time, but recently it's been more and more frequent.
I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, but I know it really isn't so nice to feel this way. I'm hoping I get over it soon, though, as I feel that it's standing in the way of my happiness. I'm trying to talk myself into just accepting the fact that he says he loves me, and trusting in him that he's telling the truth.
Such a complicated life I lead, eh? Full of angst and drama, and most of it self-inflicted. Ah well.
I want to blog about the beach, but I think I shall do that on my other site, and when I get back from driving. | | |
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